I'M GONNA SMOOTH TALK YOU TO GET YOU BACK TO MY PLACE TONIGHT OLD GUY: A.K.A. THE CREEPY PERVERTED GUY

this old creepy perverted guy came into the store and asked me to see my hand. not knowing what that was all about, i showed him. he commented that i didn't have a ring and was like, "so, you're not married. you should watch out for old wolves like me." i was like, okay, a little weird, but nothing out of the ordinary for a work day at the store. so, he comes up to the register, and while i'm ringing his items up, he starts telling me that i should come over to his place that night. but it's not once or twice that he says this, it's several times. then he tells me how i'm not that innocent. like he knows. anyways, so he goes on to say that maybe he should be afraid that i would rape him. then offers that he wouldn't mind. by this time i'm thinking, what a sicko and i'm hoping that he'll just take his things and leave, never to be seen again. but no, he keeps on talking. he asks me what my name is in chinese. i tell him i'm not chinese. so then he wants to know what i am. so, i tell him, and he's like, so, what's your name in korean? so, i tell him and he doesn't get it. by this time, i'm forcing myself to be polite, but i'm wishing that another employee would come over. meanwhile, there's other people in line and this perverted guy keeps on trying to talk to me. before he finally leaves, he's told me that (1) i should go to his place that night, (2) he's probably too young for me (this guy's like 50), (3) something about him being black, (4) he wouldn't mind if i raped him (something i definitely could've lived without hearing), and (5) that he's only trying to make me smile. as if i don't smile enough already.

now how creepy and perverted is that?

i'm really hoping that this one won't come back again. i'm also hoping that we shall never cross paths in the street.

THE TURN AROUND IN CIRCLES JUMP BACK STAB HAND SCARY CRAZY MAN

this guy comes in the store frequently. not as frequent as some of our daily customers, but he's a regular to the store. sometimes he has one or two other guys with him. one time he was all angry and was cussing the other guys out saying 'F' this and 'F' that. well, he comes into the store all alone. he buys his alcohol (his usual purchase), and goes to pay with his credit card. now, at least he pulls out his i.d. each time. i'll give him that. but when i go to hand him the receipt to sign, he grabs it off the counter (usually he'll just turn it in circles three times and then sign it), and wrinkles it as he holds it to his chest. then, he grabs the pen and stabs himself with it where the receipt is. then, he holds it (the receipt) with one hand while he signs it with the other. he then remembers that he also wants some cigarettes, and so i go to get those for him. this time he doesn't stab himself, but he still grabs the receipt and holds it to his chest before holding it in his one hand to sign. then, as he leaves, he grabs his bag and 12 pk and forgets his i.d. and credit card, so as much as i want him to just leave, i have to call him back to get his cards and after he gets them, as he's walking out the door, he turns around in circles and jumps backwards out of the store. boy was i sure glad he was gone.

SCOT KICKS SOME BUTT!

i was impressed by my manager today (10.27.05). let's call him scot. why? because that's his name. anyways, SCOT KICKED BUTT!!! this guy came in this morning that always steals from us and we didn't see him come in, only going out. in fact, it's like the 3rd time or so that he's been kicked out of the store. scot called out to him to come back in the store and asked him what he had stolen. he got back a can of hair gel or something and then tried to get what was in the guy's backpack, cause he saw some wine in there and something else. the guy got all aggressive and took off. scot followed after him and grabbed his backpack, ripping it. the guy took a swing at him and from what i saw, tried to hit him with his bike. i, of course, got all worried about scot, hoping he was alright. you never know with these people. they're scary! anyways, what a way to start out the day, eh?

THE 'I DON'T GET IT BECAUSE I'M FROM FRANCE' LADY

this lady comes up to the register and wants to exchange some vitamins she claims are expired for some new ones. so, the first thing i check is their expiration date, and lo and behold, they expire in may of '06. she claims they say they expire may 6, of this year and i try to tell her that they are not yet expired and that it means may of 2006, but she tells me that she is going out of the country (to france) and wants some that have a longer date. so, the next thing i check is to see if they are the same product, since, if they are, we can do an even exchange and not have to fill out all the paperwork. of course they are some different vitamins. however, they are the same sale price of $5. so, i have her fill out the paperwork and do the return for her, keeping the cash in the drawer. now, since she had some other stuff she was buying, instead of ringing her vitamins up separately, i rang up everything together and subtracted the cost of the vitamins from the return, which was like $10.78. well the total without the vitamins was like $27.XX something. the original price was $37.XX minus the $10.78 for the vitamins. when i told her the total, she got all flustered and was like, "but i was supposed to get the vitamins for the same price!" and i was like, yes, you did. i even showed her the returns receipt where she was getting back her $10.78 and she still didn't get it. unfortunately for briana, she was standing nearby, so i had her come try to explain it to the lady. she even tore off receipt to show her where i had subtracted the $10.78 from the total and the lady still didn't get it. she didn't realize that the other stuff she was buying added up to $27.XX and for some reason didn't want to pay for it. so here we were, trying to explain to a french lady that wasn't understanding what we were saying, that she had to pay for the added items, even though she was getting the vitamins as pretty much of an even exchange. she finally told us that she didn't understand and that she was just going to take her vitamins, leaving us with a bag full of products and an overring. she got us both frustrated on that one...

'HAIR-Y' LOUD MAN

this guy always comes into the store and he stays for a super long time. he has these really nasty hairy arms that lead up to a nasty hairy back, and the reason we all know this is because the only shirts he wears are sleeveless ones. he comes in, sits down at a chair in the cosmetics department and talks aloud to himself. but he doesn't just talk out loud. he talks loud. really loud. in fact, the first time he came in while i was working, i thought he was pretty scary because he would yell at me. then i eventually realized that he just yells when he talks. sometimes he sings. anyways, he stays there at the cosmetics counter for maybe 20 or 30 minutes, then finally decides that he's going to do some shopping. he's one of "those" shoppers. you know, the ones who get most of their stuff then realize they forgot something so they go to get it and it takes them forever to come back up to the front. anyways, he finally gets everything he needs, then tells me he only has one question. he then goes on to TELL me how he wants me to bag his stuff, in a paper bag then in two plastic bags. NOT A QUESTION!!! so, i do this for him and then somewhere between me telling him to have a good evening and him walking out the door, he decides that he needs two separate bags and goes over to register 2 and attempts to rebag his items, get this... behind the counter. so, he's trying to rebag his stuff when he yells over to me if i have his box of razors. then he remembers (OUT LOUD) that he only brought one with him. then, he asks me if i know how much this book is he bought. i tell him to check his receipt, and he finally sees how much he paid for it and says (again OUT LOUD) that it was pretty expensive and no wonder he thought what he paid was so much. anways, after rearranging his bags for about 20 minutes, he finally leaves, THANK GOD! but he'll be back. you can bet on that.

I'M TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT BUT I DID SOMETHING WRONG SO NOW I'M GOING TO YELL AT YOU GUY

we were extremely busy and register 2 was not in working condition, so i went over to the photo/mailing center register to ring a guy up who was having some keys made. one of the other employees was making his keys, three american flag painted keys, when i turn around and see the guy coming behind the counter to hand the employee another key to make 2 copies of. i tell him that he can't be behind the counter and he rudely tells me that he's trying to help out to make it faster. i put the cord back up and he makes a rude comment like it should be up if we don't want customers behind the counter. well, first of all, you should know that if you're getting a key made, it's going to take awhile, if you're getting more than one key made and it's really busy, it's going to take even longer. so, since there's people waiting after him, i go get his first three keys to ring up. i then ask him if he's getting the same kind of key (a printed fancy one), or a regular one, and he very rudely tells me that no, it can't be the same because it's a different key. according to him, i should've listened to what he said, (even though he said it to the other employee). anyways, so i grab one of the other keys to ring it up and give him his total. he gets upset because i didn't see that he had other stuff. so, i ring that stuff up and by that time i don't even tell him thank you or to have a good day. gosh these people wear you out.

i just don't know what's with all the people who think they have the right to come into our space (i.e. walking behind counters, reaching over the counter to bag their own items, etc.).

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO WORK THIS, SO CALL SOMEONE HOW DOES PHOTO GUY

so, this guy comes into the store and he wants to do some prints on our photo machine. i am busy checking a customer, so i show him where the machine is located. he then asks if the prints come directly out of the machine, or if they come out behind the photo counter. i tell him that i am not sure because i am not a photo person. he asks how much the prints cost when they are not on sale and i tell him i do not know. later he asks me to call someone for some help. i ask him what he needs and rudely, he tells me that i don't know about the machine so i can't help him, so i need to call someone who can. i was just checking to make sure that he just didn't need the code, because that's what most people ask for help on and i can do that much. i didn't want to have to call someone to the front for something that i could do. he could have just told me politely what he needed help with. but anyways, i had to call someone up because he didn't know how to print the photos and he didn't know what to do when it asked him if he wanted to retouch the photo. he ended up leaving without printing any photos.

THE "I WANT A SHOPPING CART/RAINCHECK" RUDE GUY

this guy, comes up to the register and i can tell he's going to be rude. he throws his basket up there and i think he's upset because it's overflowing and cans have fallen out. so, i go to check him out and he goes off on how we don't have any carts and that we need to call the police on the homeless bums for stealing our carts because we should have them available for customers. he is clearly upset about not having a cart, so i tell him that i'll call a manager. i call our assistant manager to speak to him and he now starts yelling at him. the assistant manager tries to explain it calmly to him, but he will have none of that. he starts screaming about how other shopping places are low on carts but they at least have them. the assistant manager tells him he will let our store manager know. the guy is still angry. oh, and i'd better not forget to mention that he had a raincheck that he wanted to use and didn't let me know until i had rung up 3 of 8 cans of clam chowder that he had. so, it had already taken a long time to ring him up. he buys some of our ice cream, which has a coupon, and so he gives me the coupon, which i have to tear out for him. now he wants a raincheck for a couple of items, but they're items that are in the 3-day sale ad, items that we are not supposed to give out rainchecks for. the ad even says "while supplies last" on it. but hey, people don't bother to read the small print. so, i'm trying to find the items in the ad, and he's impatiently yelling at me where they are in the ad. i tell him that we cannot give out rainchecks for 3-day sale ads. he goes off on me again and is yelling that we should have items that are in the ads in-stock otherwise it's false advertisement. he goes on to yell that it's only saturday. by the way, there are two other employees looking for a shopping cart for him and one of them who is nearby tells him that the reason why some items are not in-stock is because some people came in and bought 10 of the item. he wants his paper plates and ketchup for their sale prices and so i tell him i will call the manager again. our assistant manager comes back again and the guy starts yelling at him. after he's through yelling at him about the rainchecks and the assistant manager finally tells him that he'll give him rainchecks for those items, even though he's not supposed to and that's all he can do. he also wants to use some 50cent coupons from previous rainchecks and i let him use 2, since he only has 2 longs items. meanwhile, i've been giving him the total so he can pay and he refuses to pay until i write him his rainchecks. and then he asks for 10 of each item. what nerve! so, he's standing there waiting for a shopping cart after he pays and finally, one of the other employees offers to help hm carry his groceries out. finally, we have gotten rid of him, but not before he tells the employee who has helped him out to take a shopping cart inside so a homless bum doesn't run off with it (by that time, there was an available cart that someone had left outside).

THE ENGLISH TEACHER, a.k.a. THE DEBIT, (pause) OR CREDIT LADY

so, this lady comes into the store today and buys some eyeglasses and something else. she goes to pay with her card and i ask her, "debit or credit?" she responds by repeating my question. i ask her again, "debit or credit?" she repeats again. by this time, i'm totally confused and so i tell her, "is it going to be debit or credit?" she responds rudely by telling me that i have asked incorrectly. i am totally stumped by this time. she won't slide her card until i repeat it correctly. i finally have to say it ("debit, or credit?") so she'll slide her card. afterward, she tells me about how she's an english teacher and how she gets annoyed when she goes to the store because no one asks correctly. well let me tell you something, lady... cashier's get annoyed when rude english teachers come into our stores and tell us how to speak. so then she goes on with an example and makes me repeat it. she wants to hear how i say it. she won't leave until i say it, twice. i ask the same way and she gets all pissed off again. i tell her that most of the time we're in a hurry trying to check people while there's a huge line and we're in a hurry to get each person done with so we can help the next person in line. she tries to tell me that it takes the same amount of time, but it does not when you have to pause... finally, before she leaves, she repeats it once more and says it exactly how i initially asked her, "debit or credit?" i want to tell her that she said it exactly how i said it, but don't want her to stay any longer. by the way, the store manager and bookkeeper are standing at the vault hearing everything she's saying...

okay, so if that weren't bad enough...

i was talking to alex, who said this same lady was giving him problems earlier asking for different prices...

but oh no, this is still not the end of this english teacher...

she comes back to exchange the pair of glasses she bought because when she got home she realized that they were crooked. she doesn't have her receipt and so i tell her that if she exchanges them for another pair that are the same ones, she can just make an exchange without having to fill out the return paper. now i think she went to the pharmacist and asked her about them because the pharmacist came by and asked me about the glasses and then saw them sitting on the counter and so she went back to the pharmacy. when the english teacher finally made it back to the front, she let me know that the new pair of glasses she now had in her hand were also crooked, but less so than the other ones and that she was going to take them to an eyeglass doctor to see if he could straighten them. if he couldn't, she wanted to bring them back, so she wanted a receipt to bring them back. i told her that since she didn't have a receipt, i couldn't just give her a receipt, but that she could bring them back and get store credit for them. she kept arguing with me telling me that she needed a receipt to return them and i kept having to explain that all she needed to bring in were the glasses. she would ask again what she would bring in and i again repeated she would have the glasses and would be able to get store credit. if she wasn't rude enough before, she became even ruder. she kept going on about how i was the only one who knew that she bought the glasses there and wouldn't listen to what i had to say. so i called one of the managers over who was standing nearby. he came over and was going to help her out with a return and she went off into him telling him that he didn't know what she was trying to do. meanwhile there were other people waiting in line... so he finally tells her that since she's exchanging them for the exact same thing, she doesn't have to fill out the returns sheet and she goes into wanting a receipt for when she returns them and he tells her just what i've been trying to tell her over and over, that she just needs to bring the glasses in and she can get store credit for them. so, she goes into telling him that he's not listening to her and he's not listening to what she's saying. he responds by telling her to have a good day. he's trying to get her outta the store and finally she leaves. after she leaves, he turns to me and tells me that she's looney, she's looney toons.

i go on break, late, and as i'm walking to the back, the manager pulls me aside and asks about the "english teacher." the bookkeeper is in the room and i tell them the returns story and what the other manager said. the bookkeeper tells me that they were standing right there hearing her go off on me the first time and they looked over at each other and felt really bad for me. she says that she wanted to tell her (the english teacher) something, but didn't want to lose her job. they tell me that i handled it well. the manager just wants me to know that that lady is crazy. i tell him that alex also had problems with her earlier.

but wait... it's not over...

she comes back AGAIN. this time to return the glasses. i do a return for her, get her name, since she had to provide it for the return, and get the manager to help me do a return since she doesn't have a receipt. she buys a few items and this time she leaves without opening her mouth too much. THANK GOD!

CONDOM BOY

So, this fairly young guy comes in and sets down three items on the belt. He has a gallon of milk, a package of cookies, and when I lift the cookies to ring them up, I notice he also has a box of condoms. His total came to more than he had expected, because he got kinda nervous and thought a bit before having me take off the cookies. When I totaled his purchase and he still didn't have enough money, he reluctantly had me take off the milk. He ended up just getting the box of condoms after trying his best to discreetly hide them under the package of cookies so no one would notice.

Stories

Working at the downtown Longs in Sacramento has had its fair share of crazy, weird, gross, funny, interesting, and just plain ridiculous stories. I have been collecting stories since I first started working there in the summer of 2005. Since then, we have gone through numerous customers, employees, and a name change. But don't for a second think that since we have a different name and that our looks have changed we have any less crazy stories to tell. One day I would like to put together all my co-workers' stories into a collection. But until then, here are a few of my own stories...